I know, I know, I’m sorry. I’m going to make it up to all of you though. How? It’s a surprise…and I’m a tease (hey, it happens). But don’t you worry; I’ll be bothering you with all sorts of photo sessions mega soon.
So I hate heels. Pretty much. I used to wear them all the time in high school and early college and they were fun and I was fairly talented at quietly wandering around in them (as opposed to awkwardly click clacking and slip sliding all over the damn place)…and then one day I was on campus and stepped off this curb and my heel didn’t land quite right and I almost fell on my ass and these guys playing hacky sack were like “Whoa! That chick almost totally biffed it!” I just so happened to be going through this weird paranoid phase and I began wishing I were much shorter after this incident. I developed this theory that people who are shorter must feel safer because they are closer to the ground (so if they fall or something, it obviously won’t hurt as much) and thus this probably makes them more happy and confident…which, in truth, doesn’t seem likely; most short people I know are pretty self-conscious about their height and are always wishing they were taller…but, of course, super tall people are also pretty self-conscious and are always wishing they were shorter. I would say the perfect height (for a girly anyhow) is probably 5′5” to 5′9”…and I fit that (5′7” ish). So I’m good with that height and I decided I should always be as close to the ground and my natural height as possible (it will keep me safe and balanced…or something dumb and made up like that). Plus I like wearing my comfy ass cute Vans and saying hell no to shoes that are gonna make me 5′10” or taller and give me blisters and shit.
Unfortunately I had to buy heels for my brother’s wedding. And I swear I looked at upwards of 700 pairs of shoes and I found one (yes, one) pair I liked…loved, even. And that pair just happened to be a little tight so I needed a half size up and they didn’t have it in that size and I spent all last week looking for that damn shoe at some other store, but to no avail. So I then had to find another pair…and damn, it was hard. 90% of heels in stores are tacky wannabe Sex in the City shit and 5% are ridiculously expensive and 4% are too uncomfortable and 1% (I’m being generous here) I like. The shoe industry is really a crock. Really, they’re all pretty expensive and ugly and people somehow are convinced that they should buy them. It’s weird…but I digress. I eventually found a pair that didn’t make me want to barf (not that I loved them or anything but they were pretty chill), but they were really tall and tended to slip on my ankles. So I spent the last week strutting around the apartment, trying to perfect my long cast-aside signature walk.
Here is one photo session from said practicing. I tried to be all experimental with my posing and shit and really, I think I was fairly successful. It took some skill to work the heels with the mini and I could certainly use some work but I was just a little proud of myself for pulling off some of these poses.
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- Basic pose, but my haughtiness cracks me up
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- Interesting face but like the pose
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- Unintentionally doing the pinup thing
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- Knock-kneed innocence
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- Experimenting with the awkward body couture thing
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- My legs look short here; Tyra wouldn’t be pleased
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- Amazing I stayed upright during this
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- I tried to balance but fell down (and you caught me in a natural laugh, damn it)
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- I stayed balanced on one heel! Incredibly freaking difficult, so you know.
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- Two heels…much better than one
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- Practicing to be a supervillain
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- Heels and a bike go together remarkably well, right?
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- Happy…even in those damn uncomfortable things
Note: So I’ve watched tons of ANTM and I’ve looked at zillions of pictures of myself (it’s weird that I dislike being photographed so and yet I have at least, you know, a billion photos of me from the last year…and I decided to make these pictures a feature on my blog. Crazy) and I’ve decided that the more awkward and uncomfortable a pose feels, the better it’s gonna look (in general and probably). I take a normal picture in a conventional (read: stiff) pose and it looks like crap but then I bend and contort and fall the hell down while posing and it looks way cooler. Tyra might not be good for much but she’s helped teach me this (or was Mr. Jay responsible for that? Hmm…). Just keep your face calm (though, as you can probably tell, I love going for the frightened/bemused facial expressions too) and do something hella weird with your body and things will turn out splendidly, dahling.
I'm a writer, music freak, pop culture critic-at-large, natural born lover, and professional crayon drawer.
